I WASN'T EVEN TOLD TO LOOK FOR THESE SYMPTOMS TILL I GOT HERE!!!!

so, last night i asked asher's nurse for some information about arrhythmia. i knew they had pamphlets and booklets about it, but i was "stuck" in his room, so i couldn't go hunting them down. but they love it here when parents ask questions and want information. so... she got me a pamphlet and printed off several pages about it.

and i started reading. and learning. and i think i know what the issue is, but i may be wrong, so i'm not going to say here. it's just a thought at this point... BUT! i learned about symptoms and signs to watch for.

so when asher woke up at 2am and cried, "mommy, i getting dizzy again!" i jumped out of "bed," called the nurse  and ran over to asher. "you're dizzy right now?" "yes." "does this happen a lot?" "yes."

excuse me while i vomit. i had assumed he didn't have any symptoms, because he wasn't telling me anything. and i didn't know what symptoms to watch for or ask about, because i hadn't been told in london. just that "if he crashes at home, there's nothing you can do about it there."

this morning, i asked asher again if he gets dizzy a lot, and he said yes. then i asked if his ears ever feel like they're stuffed with cotton balls. "yes." "honey, does everything go black sometimes when you're awake?" "yes." "a lot?" "yes."

he's been having these symptoms all along, and he never told me, and i didn't know to ask!!! because i wasn't given any information about this.

so please pray/cross your crossables/send good vibes for asher. so far today, he hasn't had any symptoms, his HR is closer to normal, and i haven't seen the weird rhythm. but it's only 3:00 in the afternoon now, so who knows what he'll do later...

i'm scared out of my mind now. his nurse last night came in often to check on him, because she could see at the front desk that his HR was getting low (they turn off the monitors in the rooms so everyone can sleep, and send the signal to the nurses' station). asher's heart rate kept dropping - and sitting! - in the low 40s all night. and kept doing the weird rhythm. her words? "yeah, this is pretty scary." and when a cardiac nurse, who has seen it all, says this is scary...

i just want to cry.