Tuesday, April 13, 2010

in a few short hours, asher will be a robot, "but not a big robot. i be a little robot."

asher is scheduled to go in for his pacemaker at 2:00 today.

yesterday, when i was talking to deirdre (thank-you for the wonderful lunch, by the way... it really was lovely and energizing and delightful, for so many reasons), she asked how i was feeling going into this surgery. i told her honestly that i have never, in asher's life, been so excited going into a surgery.

and then last night, they took asher into the treatment room (where he has never been) and put in the IV. he screamed and screamed and screamed and fought and screamed... and all i could do was give him kisses... and pin him down on the table. it was awful. completely heartbreaking, to know that he is so scared, and that he has to suffer this much, and that it never ends...

and now today, i am exhausted. i can't wait for this surgery to be finished. i can't wait to see him afterward. and i can't wait to go home. this is our third admission in less than 6 weeks, this is already the longest admission, and we're not done yet. this is his second heart surgery in a little over a month.

so i'm done. i have nothing left, i just want to cry, and sleep, and hold my pink baby (not a grey one, thank-you very much, just a pink one), and cry some more, and sleep a bit longer, and cry some more, and not be in a hospital, and cry a little bit more (once i've rehydrated), and sleep in a comfy bed, and cry all night, and then just sit and stare at my beautiful orange walls, and cook in my own kitchen, and laugh at bram's quirkiness, and play with blithe and her barbies, and cry some more, and cuddle all three of them to sleep, and wake up surrounded by my kids, and cry a bit more, and make breakfast for all of us, and do some laundry and dishes and tidying and yardwork and pet smokey, and cry a bit more. i miss all of that (ok, maybe not the dishes, but everything else i genuinely miss). i want it back. i'm just so tired of all of this. i know we only have a few days left for this admission, but then what? this life never stops. it's always appointments, trips to emerg, paeds appointments, watching for colour and symptoms, and holding my breath and waiting... for... something. i don't even know what i'm waiting for, but i feel like i'm just waiting for something to go wrong now. and i'm too tired to do it anymore.

and yet i have to. i have to keep going. i have to comfort asher, play with him, help him to be brave, help him laugh and smile and giggle and play and live. and i don't mind any of that. i love it, i really do. and i honestly wouldn't trade a second of this life if i had the chance... but it hurts to know that this kind of life exists, where predictability and stability and simplicity are just dreams that a mother dreams and nothing more...

right now, this is just too hard. i'm too tired, too drained, too weak, too heartbroken, too spent.

and all that being said...

please continue to remember brigid and allison in london. a long, scary admission, and allison is tired.

little ethan (VSD closure) is going home today! his mom is nervous, but this is exciting for them. the last drain is coming out and they're outta here! so enjoy, my friends, you've earned it.

and another little guy to hold in the Light. his name is also ethan. not a heart kid, but his mom is a CHD survivor, which is fantastic to see. ethan is 6 months old, and currently has pneumonia, and after the chest x-ray revealed lesions in his lungs, they did a CT scan, and discovered a tumour in his right lung. it's inoperable, due to its location (right behind his heart) but is potentially blocking his airway. ethan is going in for a PICC line today, because his IV keeps blowing and they have run out of places to try. he's so adorable, all pink and chubby and happy, and honestly, his mom is one strong woman. heart survivor, and ethan is the youngest of her seven (yes, you read that right, seven!) kids. please pray/cross your crossables/send good vibes their way. ethan will be going in for more tests in the next little while, and mom is scared out of her mind right now.

thanks so much for the prayers and so forth; we all really need them right now. my parents are coming up this afternoon, and bringing the kidley-winks with them, so that will be lovely. after the surgery, asher will be back up on the ward, not the unit, which makes it nice, because we don't have to pack our stuff, and oh, there's a lot of it.


Anonymous said...

Hope ... you can do all those ordinary things soon, all those things that most take for granted. All the best to both of you.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Praying for a speedy recovery.