sigh...

wow, i don't really know what to write here today. i don't really know exactly how i'm feeling right now. tired? hungry? scared? lonely? freaxious? i don't know...

it's two days till asher's surgery. and i want to cry, but i don't think i'm scared or anything. and i don't feel particularly stressed. although i am fully aware that on tuesday, i will hand asher over to the OR staff, and i will be sitting down the hall while they do disgusting things to my baby's heart. and i will be hoping and praying that at the end of it, the surgeon will take me out into the hall and tell me that my baby is still alive. maybe right now i feel an awareness that this time wednesday i may not have a baby anymore. that might be it. and living in that awareness, i want to just hold asher close and not let him go and just hold him. hold him close to my heart and hope he knows how much i love him. because he will be going into the OR without me. i can't protect him while he's in there. i just have to walk away while he works to stay alive even when they stop his heart... while they turn on the bypass machine and inject his heart with poison and stop it so they can do what they need to do.

maybe it's harder for me this time because he's so healthy and strong right now. every other time that he has had surgery, he's been so weak, so sick. he needed surgery. it's hard for me to look at him today and know in my heart that he needs this.

and yet i do know in my heart that he needs this. sure, he is strong right now, but how long could that last without the surgery? i don't know. i have no idea. so if we do this now, he has a better chance of pulling through quicker and more easily. i've told him that he can and should take all the time he needs to recover from this. but it's hard, you know... i know a few kids who were home in a matter of days. but i know of one little boy who came home five months later with a new heart. that's hard to plan for, that whole, "how long are we going to be gone" question...

what is even harder is knowing that i can't plan. and i probably shouldn't plan. i should trust. just trust. trust God, trust Asher, trust Dr Caldarone, trust the docs and nurses and therapists... but he's my baby!! shouldn't i have a say in this? shouldn't i be able to control something, anything?? and yet i can't. i have no say. i have to let go of my baby an entrust him to other people. and let go of my baby and trust him and his strength and will to live. because he does want to live. you can tell just by looking at him. this boy of mine lives. and frankly, it would be really nice if that continues...

i've been struggling a lot this week with trust and control. i keep wanting to trust, and i do manage to let go of my need to control. but then i find myself trying to control it all again. i just... i don't know. i know i can't control any of this anyway, so shouldn't i just stop trying and trust that in the end, everything will be ok? it sounds so easy, doesn't it? trust. that's it, just trust. a cardiologist told me once, "don't try to control what isn't in your hands to control. one way or another, he has always found his way." and i remember what i shared at the EMMCO women's conference, that patience in prayer is just God asking if we trust Him, and then He waits patiently for us to say "yes." it just all sounds so easy. so why isn't it?

i want to trust that Asher will be ok. actually, no. that would be hope, not trust, and i've got that. i want to let go and be able to deal with whatever happens. i want to have peace with whatever happens, however heartbreaking it may be. i don't have to like it. it really is out of my hands right now. actually, it has always been out of my hands.

i don't know... this is hard for me. it's easy at times. it's easy to let go of it. it's harder to not take it back. and that's what i'm struggling with this week. the continuous letting go. i let go of one thing four times yesterday alone. and that was nothing compared to what i'm facing with asher...

sigh...

and what's funny is that right now, as i'm sitting here typing and watching the kids play together, i just hear those wise words... breathe in Jesus, breathe out the crap.

easier said than done? maybe. but i'm working on it. one of these days i'll get the hang of it... i hope.