Saturday, May 8, 2010

my poor little man...

he's been through so much over the last few months... well, actually, he's been through so much over the last 3 years and 5 months.

and he's gone through it all with so much joy and grace and laughter and beauty and strength. he rarely complains, only in the moment, but once the IV is in, or the blood is sent off the lab, and he wakes from sedation, or the feeding tube is in place... he's back to his usual self, playing and chatting contendedly and filling everyone around him with hope and light.

and he still does this.

usually.

yesterday afternoon, he was tired (ok, i was, too), so we went upstairs for a nap. we climbed into bed, pulled the blankets up... and he started to cry.

"what's wrong, sweetie?" i asked, thinking it was just tired tears.

"i scared, mommy."

i'll admit, initially i thought it was fear of monsters under the bed or something. so i asked what he was scared of.

"dokkers."

and my heart broke.

he is now scared of doctors and nurses and hospitals and, well, anyone who shows up with a stethoscope or a name badge on a lanyard. he has been through so much, especially in the last few months. and now, of course, he's old enough to understand what is going on, but not old enough to understand why it's happening. he knows he's covered in scars and zippers. he knows he has a pacemaker. he knows he sees medi-types too often. just this week, for example, just this week he has been to emerg and his paed's clinic. just. this. week.

and this is a good week.

i held asher as he fell asleep. and while he dozed, i moved to set the alarm, in case i fell asleep, too. i needed to meet the kids when they got off the bus. i moved a few inches over

and asher woke up

screaming

"don't leave me, mommy! don't leave, mommy! stay here!! don't leave me!!!"

and my heart broke all over again.

so i just held him, as he cried, as i cried.

2 comments:

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

Oh Heather. You made me cry too. I'm so sorry Asher's so sad and scared. It's so hard to see.
You're right - Asher's at a terribly difficult age for all this - we were lucky with Charlie - at six-and-a-half, he was old enough for me to explain everything to him, and more importantly, for him to understand why everything needed to happen.
It didn't stop him hating having things done to him, or stop him being scared, but at least he didn't have the terrible fear of the unknown.
I really hope that everything settles down for Asher now he's back home, and that he can start getting a few breaks between appointments.
Thinking of you all, and sending love your way xxx

ChristophersHeart said...

I cried too, I can just hear his sweet little voice saying those sad words :( Big hugs to you both. Does London Children's offer any sort of child life therapy or home play therapy to maybe help him work out his fears in a safe place?
((((hugs))))
Wen