for the newer readers, "freaxia" is a horrid combination of fear, dread, anxiety and nausea. blech.

it's 14 hours till asher's cardio appointment.

and we weren't supposed to see them till april.

so, asher's got all these symptoms. now, i'm trying not to say "this is the problem"... even though i'm bracing myself. i mean, i remember paula quizzing me and insisting i learn this list of symptoms before taking asher home after the hybrid. i've been watching for these exact symptoms for over four years now.

and now i'm seeing them again.

i always feel this way before an "unscheduled" cardio appointment. you know the ones... you aren't scheduled for anything, but then the doc says, "why don't you just bring him in... let's get him in this week."

and for those of you who think that's fantastic, that we didn't have to wait...

here's the thing about health care in ontario:

if you can wait, you do. if you can't, you don't.

(and i'm not trying to start a debate about the healthcare system here. i'm just saying, that's the rule they go by.)

but here's what's really getting to me tonight:

what if they find something wrong??

or...

what if they don't find something wrong???

i know something's not right with asher lately. i could guess, but i'm not going to. i refuse to allow myself to do that. i simply refuse. because then my mind goes to all sorts of unhealthy places, and i just don't want to do that right now.

so, i'm trying to decide what's worse. i mean, if they find something wrong, that sucks, but they'll deal with it. and we'll get through it. but still... it means that something is wrong.

but if they don't find something wrong, then... what?

this, gentle readers, is what freaxia is all about.

and so, once again tonight, i am trying to breathe and smile/laugh my way through this. a close heartmom friend and i were chatting tonight and laughing about something, and it was good to distract myself, laugh at myself ("like, seriously?!?!" HAHAHAHA)... it took my mind off things for a while.

so, yeah. breathe. smile. hold it all in the Light. some ice cream doesn't hurt (esp if you've lost another 7 lbs, bringing you down to your lowest healthy weight ever). and smile. breathe. and then smile. and just for good measure, breathe some more.

and carry on.