and then, of course, God weighs in...

so, i'm sitting here, crying over the last post...

and there comes that still, small Voice.

when i shared at church in september, i talked about how God has been my Refuge throughout the "asher journey." and while i have been crying this morning about blithe and bram, i was reminded that

i don't see the bigger picture, but God does, and He is in control. that's really comforting, because i know that i don't need to control everything, and i don't need to know the future.

and as i was thinking about that, another thing came back to me:

... and God promises that if we're really looking for Him, we'll find Him. and i do! He's everywhere in this journey. and so, in those times when it's dark and scary and it feels like God has forgotten us - because those moments happen; it's not all sunshine and rainbows - i can look back and see that God was there and there and there and there and there, and that gives me the courage to not look forward - because i can't - but i can look around and look for God in the current situation.

so now i ask myself...

because this feels like one of those times "when it's dark and scary and it feels like God has forgotten us"...

if i look back, will i see that God was there?

so i'm looking back,

and yes. i can see that God was there.

He is there in blithe's compassion. He is there in bram and asher's friendship. He is there in their play. and yes, He's there in their arguments, because those are normal and therefore a gift. He is there during our storytimes and mealtimes. He is there when they hug me and tell me they love me. He is there when they hug each other and tell each other "i love you." He is there in the paid bills. He is in the pantry right now, in the form of beans and rice which we will have for supper. He was in blithe's room last night, while she and asher cuddled together all night. He is there in school with each of them right now, allowing them to learn and hang out with friends and enjoy their day. He is here with me right now, holding me and reminding me that, as i said in september,

i can look back - and i do look back - and i can see that, ok, God was there and there and there and there. ok. God was there, so He'll be here.

and then i continued,

and then i can, not look forward because i don't know, but i can look around at what's going on right now.

so, yeah, He didn't give me a crystal ball, and i still don't know what the future holds for my children (all of them), but i don't have to. God has a plan, God knows what He's doing. i don't have control, and i don't see the bigger picture, but that's ok, because God does. and as long as i trust Him, we'll be ok. we'll get through. maybe a little worse for wear, but on the other hand,

much more beautiful

because it's His Love and Beauty that shines in my kids right now. sure, it's a tough life we have in a lot of ways. but He never promised that life would be easy. but He always promises that He is with us throughout our lives. so yeah, i don't know what the future holds. but i know God is holding us now, and that's all i need to know. (although a little "heads up" would still be nice, i'm not gonna lie. {wink})