Sunday, September 12, 2010

God aka our Refuge

i was asked to share a little bit about the "asher journey" this morning in church. and when i say "a little bit," i mean... i was limited to 4 minutes!!! gah!!!! how to squeeze everything i wanted to say into such a short time?? but i managed... i think... i kind of ignored the clock. anyway, it was an interview, and while you all know the answers to questions 1, 2, and 4 (tell us about your situation; what has your journey involved, and how is asher now?), i want to share my answer to the third question.

what are some practical ways in which you have accessed God as your refuge during your journey?

it's an interesting question; i don't usually think about it so specifically. i just kind of do it without thinking about it quite like that. but i guess i would say that, for starters, as a single mom, i have been gifted with a lot of time alone. so i can spend that time thinking, praying, journaling, reflecting... that time with God allows me to rest, even in the scariest times.

the second thing comes from a rather morbid conversation i had with a dear friend when asher was about six months old. asher was very weak, very sick, and i knew in my gut that he was going to die in the OR. my friend said to me, "yeah, he might die during the surgery. but he might not. you don't know. you have no guarantees with him, but you have no guarantees your other kids will grow up, either. they're fine now, but things can change. you just don't know what will happen." and believe it or not, that conversation, as gut-wrenching as it was, opened my eyes to the reality that i really don't know. i don't know why asher was made this way, i don't know what the purpose is, but God knows, and that's enough for me. i don't see the bigger picture, but God does, and He is in control. that's really comforting, because i know that i don't need to control everything, and i don't need to know the future.

finally, when asher was two months old, he was in the hospital. he was pretty sick, but no one could figure out what was going on. so one night, i asked God to heal asher. you know, the "big H" healing. and as clearly as i hear you today, i heard God say, "no, that's not the miracle I'm going to do here." so i've gotten to spend the last 3.5 years looking for the miracle. and God promises that if we're really looking for Him, we'll find Him. and i do! He's everywhere in this journey. and so, in those times when it's dark and scary and it feels like God has forgotten us - because those moments happen; it's not all sunshine and rainbows - i can look back and see that God was there and there and there and there and there, and that gives me the courage to not look forward - because i can't - but i can look around and look for God in the current situation.

there you have it, folks, for those of you who missed it this morning. it was a great morning; i talked with so many people after the services, including a single mom with three kids (now grown), and a heart family with the father and son with Tetralogy of Fallot. it was a wonderful morning, and i'm very, very grateful for being given the opportunity to share some of this story. thanks for interviewing me, ron, it was a great experience! 

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