downer alert: it's late, i'm tired, and asher is just so very skinny. :(

on tuesday, asher goes in to paeds for his monthly weight check, and this time, i'm not expecting a gain.

in fact, i'm anticipating a loss.

asher doesn't often eat anymore. a couple bites of a meal is his usual. unless he's racing with someone (who knows enough to let him win). but that's only a trick to get him to eat at all.

today was the first day in about a week that he's had an appetite. he ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, an apple, a chocolate bar (gotta love a church with a snack bar!), a cookie, a smoothie (with polycose in it, but shhh! don't tell him that!), another apple, a bowl of lentil and sausage casserole, and some of a second bowl of casserole (both of which contained polycose. again, that's a state secret, and i'll trade you to the russians for someone not nice if you breathe a word of that to asher).

but today, when he was having his bath... i could count his ribs. and he's got an outtie again.

fyi, asher doesn't usually have an outtie. except when he's skinny skinny.

i had just donated his IV pole to the drama ministry at church to use as a prop. i told them that this was my act of faith, that i'm stepping out here believing that asher won't need it again. the director said, "if you need it back, let me know, and you can have it." "oh, if i have anything to say about it, we won't need it back. i'm not feeding him this disgusting butter and whipped cream diet so he can get a feeding tube again!"

but apparently, i'm feeding him this disgusting butter and whipped cream diet so he can get a feeding tube again.

it's just so discouraging. i've buttered mcdonalds hashbrowns and pasta, i've used more oil to cook than i ever imagined possible, i've given him chef boyardee and fed him chocolate bars and ice cream and cookies and more fast food than should legally be allowed, and added Polycose to everything, including milkshakes, scrambled eggs and pasta sauce. for nothing.

with his heart the way it is, it is pretty much impossible to put weight on him. he knows he needs to eat, he knows he needs to gain weight, he knows he might get a tube... and yet, he doesn't eat.

and i don't want to keep reminding him of the (possibly/likely) impending tube, because he's already struggling with his PTSD, getting sad and scared off and on throughout the day for no apparent reason. so i don't want to threaten him with another tube, in case it harms him psychologically. especially since he's making some progress with that (he actually tells me - if i ask him - how he's feeling, which he never did before, so this is actually good news on that front).

i also don't want to have to force him to eat, because i've wrestled with food issues, and i don't want him to have to go through something similar. i don't want him to see food as the enemy, or as something he "has" to do. i want him to have a healthy relationship with food, and i don't think that threatening him to eat all the time is the way to nurture that. i'm trying to think long-term here, even while dealing with short-term issues.

and i don't want to turn mealtime into a battle of wills. i want mealtime to be happy, fun, a loving communal experience with the family.

so far, racing works. but other than that... nothing. even bribery doesn't work.

this is really hard right now. i want him to have a normal life with normal kid problems, like bruised knees and "brammy just took diney away from me" and "dare no cheese!!!!" (yes, he'll eat cheese. assuming we have some in the house.) but balancing normalcy with health issues, trying to integrate his medical requirements into everyday life without overwhelming it or traumatizing him all over again can be downright impossible sometimes.

i'll figure this out. i will. but tonight i'm exhausted (i haven't had a decent night's sleep in about 2 weeks now) and i'm discouraged by the lack of progress on the weight front.

in case you're wondering...

heart life is hard sometimes.

really hard.