sorry for the absence...

but believe me, you didn't really miss anything. haha

we see cardiology on the 16th for a complete check-up. echo, ecg, pacemaker check, and a holter. i'll fill you in on all of that when the time comes.

as for asher...

he's fine. haha

no, seriously. he's fine. if you watched him, you'd swear nothing happened. he bounced back from this latest episode in no time at all.

physically, that is.

and even emotionally, too, for the most part. PTSD only came out for a little while, and only in a small degree: some scary dreams and disturbed sleep for a week or so, and he's still insisting he's a "little boy" and not a big boy, even when he does distinctly "big boy" things. he did regress a little bit and is back to loving his sucky and "needing" it most of the time, and ok, i'll admit, i was humouring him (read: spoiling him) and letting him have it. but like i told a friend recently, "if he had been breastfed, he'd likely still be nursing, since i believe in natural weaning, and this is a form of stress relief for him, and God knows asher has more than his fair share of stress, so i'm letting him use it for now." i have been taking it away from him for a few hours every day, hiding it in high places so he can't find it and grab it back. haha

but in the meantime, asher's been at home for the last couple weeks. and it's been wonderful! :) we've been baking and gardening and shopping and napping and generally hanging out. and i gotta say,

i've loved every second of it.

maybe it's selfish on my part, but he's just such a delightful little boy! he's so much fun, and he's hilarious, and he's so smart and playful and bright... the last couple weeks have been an endless stream of hugs and kisses and giggles. probably the best couple weeks i've ever had with him. ever.

we were out grocery shopping one day last week, and he was so funny. i don't even remember what he did, but i looked at him and thought, "wow! i'd forgotten how magical 4-year old boys are!" and then it hit me: i never really got to enjoy bram at this age, because asher was in such rough shape. so i was saddened by that. and then i thought, "well, i know a 4-year old boy is very different than a 4-year old girl..." and then i realized that, when blithe was 4, i was dealing with a rough pregnancy, then asher's diagnosis, and we spent most of the next couple years in hospitals and clinics with asher... so i never really got to enjoy blithe as much at this age as i would have liked to, either.

so that's been a bit of a downer for me.

but! i get to enjoy this age now, and it's truly wonderful. not just for the delights of the age, but also... because i have a 4-year-old boy. and that is magical and delightful and miraculous and wondrous and beautiful. when i think back over the last 4.5 years, i am truly amazed and grateful that he's still here, bringing so much light and happiness into our lives. even when the kids are all fighting, and asher's crying because bram grabbed back the toy that asher had taken from him and "brammy doesn't like me anymore!" it's still beautiful.

we've spent the last couple days in the backyard working in the garden (asher was only outside for little bits at a time, due to the humidity). asher had gotten some carrot seeds at mcdonald's (?!?!) the other day, and he was so anxious to plant them... which meant... i had to go find the garden. haha so i've spent two days pulling out weeds and grass, discovering things like onions and wheat (thank-you, birdies), and getting him to "help" me (mostly him pointing to weeds for me to pull and me telling him to watch where he steps because there's a plant right next to your foot no asher the other foot sigh you just stepped on the onion no worries it'll be ok). we've enjoyed the cardinal that lives around here, and asher had fun showing it to the "callapidder" he found and named elmo (surprised? haha). it's been so cute watching him with "elmo callapidder" and "mr squirmy" (a worm... or more accurately, several worms, but when you're 4 they all look alike, i think. haha). "don't be shy, elmo, it's me, ashie!" and "here's some dirt for you, mr squirmy, isn't that nice? now you can eat that all up!" see? adorable. {blissful sigh}

last night, there was a muffin sitting, untouched, on the coffee table. i asked asher to put it back with the other muffins, on top of the freezer. "but i don't want to," he said, and started to walk off. "asher, please put it away now or you'll get a time out and then you'll do it." "ok, mommy!" he said, with a smile (????). he grabbed the muffin and ran off to the kitchen. he came back and said, "ok, mommy, i put da muffin away." somewhat skeptical, i asked, "where did you put it, sweetie?" "in da fridge." ok, so it's not exactly where i'd told him, and i showed him where it was supposed to go, but he was just so cute!!!

i think it's safe to say that i've fallen in love with that littlest man of mine all over again.

now, all this being said about how much fun i've had with him at home for the last couple of weeks....

asher's back at school today. he said he didn't want to go back. in fact, he'd been saying that for a few days. and even this morning, it was, "i don't want to get dressed! i don't want to go to school!" but i got him dressed (in the cutest little outfit! ugh! he's so adorable it's sickening!! haha). got his lunch all packed (thank-you, Blithe, for your help!), and we set off for the bus stops. asher was complaining and complaining... until his bus turned the corner onto our street. suddenly it was, "MY BUS!!!!" and he literally ran all the way to the bus and climbed on and jumped into his seat and only looked back long enough to blow me a kiss good-bye before the bus pulled away. all together now: aaawwwwwww!!!!!!! yup, that's right. he's just. that. adorable.

so, here i sit, alone, for the first time in a couple weeks, in a quiet house, with my laptop and coffee... and i gotta say, as much as i miss that littlest man of mine, it's nice to have some quiet. {wink} and so now, if you don't mind, i'm gonna go outside with my journal and a book and my coffee, and enjoy the first perfectly, beautifully sunny and warm but not humid day we've had all week.

ps - a little boy from our church, little Joshie, was diagnosed with leukemia last week. please hold him and his family in the Light. he's getting his port today, and docs and mom are hopeful that he'll be ready to go home later this week. please pray for them on the long journey ahead of them.