i heart our respirologist.

she's so nice and really seems to be on the ball. i appreciate that.

so, yeah. we had respirology this morning. i'll admit, this appointment snuck up on me, but i'm really glad we went today. it was one of the quickest and most productive appointments we've had in a while. and we've had some "great" appointments lately! (and yes, i'm including the epically discouraging gastro visit the other week. even though i didn't like anything doc had to say, it's nice to have a plan and some direction. anyhoo...)

the quick stats, for those who want to know:
asher checked in at 16.1 kg (35.5 lbs, give or take), and 103.1 cm (3' 4")
BP was 94/48, HR was 86-87 bpm, and sats were 96-97%

the nurse told him she had to give his arm a hug, and then he turned to me and said, "mommy, she needs to do the blood thingy, right? with the thing around my arm?" she looked at him like he had just sprouted a second head - how does this kid know that?! i said, "he's got half a heart. he's kind of a pro at blood pressures." then he told her she had to put the light on his finger (for his sats). i wonder if she'd be surprised to know he does his own ECGs? haha!

then doc comes in. she sits down and we got to talking. other than over the last week or so when it's been more damp, asher hasn't really been coughing much. as in, almost never. but he has also been having some blue spells (he was notably pale at clinic, and has actually had several blue spells over the last week). he has been a little short of breath lately, too. which led me to comment,

"we've recently started back with gastro." i filled her in on asher's complicated (read: lengthy) GI history, with dysphagia, aspiration, severe chronic GERD (he's refluxing almost constantly now, even with prevacid twice a day), vagus nerve issues, and a possible malrotation in his bowel.

"is it possible," i asked, "that what you saw in his lungs on the CT scan was actually aspirated stomach contents?"

"it's possible," quoth she. and upon further discussion, she offered, "that would actually explain everything."

and so, gentle readers, i present to you her plan:

she's going to investigate. she is ordering a modified barium swallow study, to see where things go and how things work when asher swallows. for those of you who don't know what's involved in this study, asher will have to eat or drink something with barium in it (yum! you're jealous, admit it) as a special xray watches how his throat functions. he's had this test twice already, and both studies found the same thing: his throat muscles were very uncoordinated, resulting in an almost total lack of a swallow reflex. formula trickled down the back of his throat, pooled on top of his epiglottis (which was up, leaving his airway wide open), and then spilled down his esophagus. i think asher's swallow reflex is a bit more co-ordinated now, but hey, you never know.

the second test doc is ordering is some sort of nuclear swallow study. for this one, he will eat/drink something with a small amount of radiation in it. he will then undergo imaging at the time, at the half-hour mark, and the one hour mark. the idea is to see if asher is refluxing, how much, and where it's going (going back down to the stomach, spilling into his lungs, that sort of thing... which, now that i'm re-reading that sentence... ok, those are actually the only options, since he doesn't vomit. haha you know what i mean, though, and that's what really matters, and now i'm babbling, so anyhoo.............)

a bronchioscopy was mentioned, but she says that they would only go that route is there was the possibility of permanent damage to his lungs, and she didn't see any evidence of that on his CT from august, so i think we're going to be ok with "just" the swallow studies.

we are to return to resp clinic in six months, or after the swallow studies. whichever comes last. "unless he gets worse, in which case, keep the appointment," she advised.

so that was our day. :)

and now, since i have you here, i'd like to ask for a favour: please hold a couple of asher's buddies in the Light. B is in the hospital right now, and has been for some time. please pray for her, and pray for the team caring for her, and for her family. also, as i type this, sweet little H is in emerg. please pray/send vibes/cross crossables for these sweet little girls. thank-you.

you are Loved.

Asher requested this specifically

yesterday, out of the blue, i started to sing this song to the kidley-winks. oh, wait! i think blithe was working on math homework. that's probably it. anyway... i started singing this, and the kidley-winks absolutely loved it! so now, asher has asked that i put it on his blog, so that you can enjoy it, too.

and, of course, once i found a clip of the song performed on The Muppet Show, i had to post that one. ;)

enjoy!

WOW!!! has it really been 2 months since i last posted?! CRAZY!!!!!

i can't really explain why it's been so long since the last post. not a whole lot going on, i suppose. just regular, normal life stuff, i guess, and really, who wants to read about the days passing in their swirl and whirl and swing and song... that's what My Simple Life is for (please don't click that link yet, lest you see how long i have neglected that blog, too! HAHA!) ok, on to the post!..

like i said, life has been moving along fairly normally over the last couple months, which has been delightful, to be honest. sure, there's been some blips, but nothing that had me in a tizzy or running to the blogosphere for support, so i think it's ok. ;) so i'll give you a bit of a recap:

the kids started back at school, and they're enjoying it. blithe is in grade 4, learning french now, and loving every minute of it. her goal for this year is to get A+ in every subject, and to get into a special arts school in the area for next year. :) she has been really enjoying being on the music and drama teams at our church. she's really blossoming into a beautiful person, and i'm really proud of her.

bram has started grade 2, and seems to be doing fairly well. his reading is really improving, and he's really working hard on focusing and paying attention. his goal for this school year is to "get the exact same grades as last year." his sense of humour, his gentle spirit and love of life are really endearing and inspiring. and in case you're extremely curious, yes, he still has a mohawk. he lets me shave the sides, but not the mohawk itself, which he also won't let me spike. his hair is now almost as long as blithe's at the front! just another one of his little quirks which make him so lovable.

as for asher... well... he's back at school, in senior kindergarten this year. he has the same EA (educational assistant) as last year, which is wonderful. we've all really enjoyed working with her, and asher thinks she hung the moon, so we're all really pleased about that. asher has a different teacher this year, which admittedly caused me a bit of uneasiness initially, but after speaking with the principal and after seeing how asher is doing in school, my concerns are all gone and i'm really happy with how things have gone thus far.

with one exception, which actually has nothing to do with the school itself. asher has already missed about half of the school year due to chicken pox. not that he had them, but in an effort to keep him as healthy as possible, we want to minimize his exposure to these viruses and illnesses. so, home it was for the littlest man. and while i really enjoyed getting to spend so much time with only him, it is so sweet to send him to school, to let him enjoy time with other kids his age, to study butterfly life cycles and learn to read and paint and play at the water table and so on. i am so thrilled that he has this opportunity.

he, however, isn't always so thrilled. i know that, once he gets to school, he enjoys himself and has a great time, but he's really beginning to notice that he's different than other kids. he knows they don't have pacemakers. he knows they don't have EAs. he knows they go to gym. he knows they don't ride on a special bus. he knows. what he doesn't understand is that all of this is to protect him and keep him healthy and safe and give him the best possible school experience, and that we all work as hard as we can to give him as normal a life as possible. he doesn't understand the risks. or he does, and he doesn't like them, so he wants to pretend they don't exist. either way, it's hard to explain to him so that he accepts the situation for what it is. and what it is, is a lot of people who care deeply for him doing everything they can to give him a full, beautiful, Love-filled life. one day, he'll understand, and this, too, shall pass, and we'll get through. we're all aware of his PTSD and other emotional issues.  but when he's crying in the mornings because he doesn't want to go to school, that's really tough on me, especially. but this morning's tears only lasted about 15 seconds, so i'm hopeful it's getting better. when he's been in school for a while, he does better, but since he's missed so much this year, it's rough. he'll adjust and get back into the swing of things, too, and that will help.

as for us as a family, we are now official members at the Y, and we have been enjoying this thoroughly. the four of us go swimming at least twice a week (we try for three, but it doesn't always work out), and we're loving that! we're all in better shape, we're happier, and the kids are all becoming increasingly comfortable in the water. monday afternoon, we went swimming together. blithe and bram put on life jackets and swam all over the pool. asher, who grabbed himself a floaty-belt (don't remember the real name for them LOL), clung to me most of the time. in fact, he's attached to me every second that he's in the pool. but on monday, he relaxed a little, and actually held onto my outstretched arm, put his feet out behind him, kicked, and "swam" while i walked around the shallow end. he's making so much progress in the water! i'm so proud of him!!

blithe is taking Creative Dance, bram is taking Tae Kwon Do, and they're both enrolled in swimming lessons. i had thought of putting asher in swimming lessons, too, until... we went swimming together... and he had an absense seizure on the stairs. while i'm holding him in the water, there isn't a whole lot of risk. but if no one is holding him, and he's in the water, and that happens... yeah. he's not in swimming lessons. :( but i figure, if we go often enough together, he'll learn on his own. he may never be the most fantastic swimmer, but he'll do well enough. his endurance is getting better now as a result of this activity, so who knows. the seizures don't happen very often, so maybe in a few months, once i'm a little more comfortable, i'll sign him up again. because, to be honest, it was his first seizure in several weeks, and it had been a while before that, so i'm probably being overly-careful right now. but this is a new situation for us, so i'm holding it as "caution" and not "paranoia." haha we'll just wait and see how this goes for now, and just have fun all together, like we're doing. :)

um, what else has been going on around here?... well... i had been working quite a bit over the last few weeks while my boss was away on vacation, so that was good. exhausting, but good. i also took some giant steps to pursue one of my dreams. i was the "make-up designer" (that's what it says in the program above my bio!! yes, carrie, i have an extra copy, if you're interested) for Tuesdays With Morrie, which was put on in London last week. it was a beautiful production, and every show got a standing ovation. it was an incredible experience, i can't really say enough about it, and i'm thrilled, honoured and humbled that i was given the opportunity to be a part of it.

ok, now that you're all caught up on the normal real-life stuff...

asher had two clinics yesterday: nephrology and gastroenterology. nephro was awesome! as for gastro... well... nephro was awesome!!! ok, it's not that gastro was terrible. just a bit discouraging. so i'll cover it first, and then we'll part on a renal high note, shall we? (wink)

so, we saw gastro because asher is still suffering from chronic GERD (aka reflux, aka heartburn). it is bad enough that he actually says it hurts and prays that God will "help me feel much better." yeah. he's on meds, but they are really only dealing with the heartburn itself and i'd rather address the cause of the GERD, to be honest. so, off we trekked to the clinic.

what began as "simple" GERD (in quotes because, well, it's asher we're talking about, so "simple" is relative) became GERD with chronic constipation. now, since asher has potty trained, i'll admit, i don't keep track of his BMs. but... when doc asked how often asher poops (hey, it's gastro. what do you expect?! haha!), i stopped and thought about it, and i realized... asher rarely poops. and i mean... maybe once every few weeks. and then i started thinking even more... that would explain why asher doesn't eat much... and probably why he doesn't gain weight very well... and doc reminded me that, if he's full of poop, everything gets backed up and there's nowhere for the stomach to put anything, and that causes more reflux. i reminded him of the vagus nerve damage asher had had, which i believed had healed. but he confirmed that the vagus nerve could still be a factor, since it enervates the esophagus, and if the esophagus isn't getting the signal to send things back down into the stomach, reflux will be a chronic problem.

and the longer i think about this... asher has had issues with his esophagus from the get-go. he had a swallow study done when he was 4 weeks old, just days after being discharged from SickKids the first time. they found a total lack of swallow reflex. sure, stuff went down, and he wasn't gagging very often, but we all watched as the formula (the thickest formula) just kind of spilled down his throat as opposed to being pushed and prodded by the muscles. i mentioned to him that resp had done a CT scan recently and they had found "stuff" in his lungs. this might be due to infections or something, granted, but it's also possible that asher's throat issues have not, in fact, cleared up as well as we'd thought and this is, in fact, evidence of aspiration. sigh...

he prescribed increasing asher's lansoprazole to twice daily, which should help, but again, doesn't address the cause of the GERD. he also recommended a laxative, which might help, as well. if everything is cleared out and keeps moving (the laxative would be an on-going thing), we hope to see a decrease in reflux and an increase in appetite. so, we go back in january for follow-up.

the other issue that came up was one that i have actually wondered about idly over the last couple months: celiac disease. doc seems to think it's a possibility, but he would like to investigate the other queries first before looking into a radical life-style change. which i appreciate. haha but i just might begin working some gluten-free foods into our diet over the next little while, in case this is the issue, and then the change won't be quite so dramatic.

all that being said... as we were walking to the desk to book a follow-up, doc asked, "has asher ever had a study done to see how things work in there?" i told him about the swallow study at four weeks, but there really hasn't been anything further since then. he thought for a moment, then said, "sometimes kids with congenital heart defects can also have a twist or malrotation in their bowel. when he got his G-tube, did they look for that?" i said, "not that i know of. no one said anything to me about it." he is going to be talking to Interventional Radiology (they're the ones who put in the GJ-tube and then changed it to a G) to see if they ever looked, or noticed anything. if they haven't, we're going to look into this right away.

so, what started as "simple" GERD has become something much bigger. and my heart hurts a little bit more today. :( i know it's not the end of the world, but things had been going so smoothly, and then to find out that he might have further issues just leaves me feeling sad. so prayers/vibes/crossed crossables would be very much appreciated.

and now for something completely different.

after gastro and a quick trip up to Tim Horton's (we hadn't eaten all day - stupid ultrasounds! haha), we saw nephro. asher's BP was low by all standards except nephro, because they like low BPs (81/55, anyone?). they say that's "perfect." ok... i'm going with it, since there really isn't much you can do to make his BP go up, so whatever. haha doc looked over the ultrasound from that morning and said, "wow! this is dramatically improved over last time! if you didn't know to look for anything, this would be taken as normal!" i picked myself up off the floor, resisted the urge to hug him, and said, "really?!?!" apparently, there is a small cyst in the left kidney, but it's been there all along, apparently, and hasn't changed size, so doc's not worried about it. in fact, i suspect he would have discharged us completely but for the UTI asher had a few months back, so we go back in a year. that's right, 2012!!!! i don't remember the last time i was so happy leaving an appointment!!

so, to recap, gastro was upsetting but eye-opening and at least we have a plan, and nephro was AWESOME!!!!

and now you're caught up.

have a wonderful day today! i'm so sorry about the length of this post. i'll try to post more frequently to avoid posts like this in the future. :S

you are Loved.

the long-awaited update...

yeah... sorry that it's taken so long to update here... i don't really have a reason, other than work and um... well... i kinda forgot. {hangs head in shame}

but here's what i know you're dying to know... the details and results of the CT scan. sit a spell, gentle reader, and let me tell the tale.

on the morning of the scan, blithe and bram stayed home with their new babysitter, a really lovely girl i work. she's an absolute sweetheart, and the kids adored her. seriously, for the rest of the day, all i heard was "we had so much fun! can she come over again???" i'm not joking. i have since promised the kids and her that i will be calling her again.

it's nice, you know, this whole "having a babysitter for the kids" thing... i've never really had a regular sitter for them, which, i'll admit, has probably led to a lot of isolation for me over the last year, especially. now, just knowing that there is someone i can call to watch my kids... a weight has been lifted, let me tell you.

once she arrived, asher and i left for the hospital. en route, he said from the backseat, clear out of the blue, "mommy, when i was blue, i was a smurf." he decided that, since he's any blue sometimes anymore, he will be called "half-a-smurf." i love his sense of humour. the fact that he has been through so much, and can laugh and joke about it... to me, that demonstrates so much strength and resilience, and a spunky, slightly mischievous sense of humour. totally (albeit relatively) normal sense of humour for a 4-year-old boy.

we arrived at the hospital, and the nurse in the clinic was surprised by how co-operative he was for the blood pressure and sat check. (she had never met asher. haha) and off we went to the CT department.

to wait.

for about three hours.

with a 4-year-old boy.

who hadn't eaten since the night before. (they were going to anaesthetize him for the test.)

but he was a trooper, and only asked a couple times for something to eat. meanwhile, he played and chatted and read a book and was very well-behaved.

when his name was finally called, we headed back, and he chatted with the nurse, and pushed open the heavy doors into the lab. as soon as he saw the CT, however...

he ran behind a door and cried and refused to come out. it took a lot of coaxing, but in the end, i picked him up and laid him, literally kicking and screaming, on the table. i tried to comfort him, but that was difficult, and frankly, they needed him to scream like that to help breathe in the gas and get him to sleep. to be honest, i wanted to cry, too, but i couldn't...

anyway, the test only took a few minutes... but it felt like an hour. i wanted to vomit as M and i sat in the waiting room. then the nurse came out and said, "asher would like his soother. he's quite adamant about that." by the time i was allowed back to see him, he was wide awake, his sats and heart rate were "asher perfect" and he couldn't find his flip flops. he also thought that the bandage in his elbow was just something they gave him for being good, and he didn't want it taken off. apparently, he has never clued in that a cotton ball with tape is the sign of an IV. haha

ok, cut ahead to tuesday morning. the kidley-winks came with us for the follow-up with the respirologist, and our social worker met us in the clinic, as well. she had offered to come for support. it was great to have her there.

ok, ok, i'll get to the test results! sheesh!!!

so, doc came in and we talked for a minute, and then she said something that i had hoped she would say:

the obvious markers of plastic bronchitis were not present. in fact, the top portion of his lungs looked great! there was some yuckiness at the bottom of his lungs, but that doesn't lead her to plastic bronchitis. her words, "it's probably not plastic bronchitis."

ok, yes, it's not a definitely "no." but!!! it's not a definite "yes," either. so i'll take it!! {happy dance}

however, all this being said, there is a sadder development in asherland. he has started having accidents. not just once in a while, either. we're talking, 3 or more a day, and overnight. he told me that he doesn't remember how to go potty anymore. now, i know that's not entirely true... he does go running to the washroom sometimes... but not always. and he's too embarassed to tell anyone he's had an accident, so on top of being wet, he also ends up with terrible "diaper rash," for lack of a better term. so today, we ended up doing something i haven't done since early march.

we bought pull-ups. :(

he asked to wear them, and he even picked out which ones he wanted. there are moments when he really wants to wear them again, and moments when he doesn't... so we've reached a temporary arrangement, where he'll wear the pull-ups overnight, and during the day, he'll have to either run to the washroom or tell someone if he has an accident.

i hope i'm making the right decision here. i'm not entirely sure. i'm trying to do the right thing, but it's such a tough call... he's having accidents because he's upset from all the appointments and tests over the last couple months (yes, the accidents have been going on since june. :( ), but what if taking this step upsets him further?? i don't know... hopefully this is just a temporary set-back. i talked to him about it tonight. i reminded him that he's a big boy and he's been through a lot. i told him that having accidents isn't a sign that he's a baby or anything. it's just a sign that he's made it through some scary things, but he'll get through it and it'll be ok. he picked out the pull-up he wanted to wear tonight, and was so proud of himself when he put it on without me, so i'm hoping that's a good thing... and taking this one day at a time. tonight, this was the right decision. it might not be right for us tomorrow, but it is for tonight. we'll get through this.

the other kids are being so great with asher about all this, too. blithe helped him to reach the package of pull-ups off the shelf, and bram has been relating to asher all day with his sweet little, "i always had accidents when i was your age, too, asher."

meanwhile, please hold us in the Light. we're all elated about the CT results, so give thanks with us about that. but if you would continue to pray for emotional healing for asher, and patience, understanding and wisdom for me, that would be very much appreciated. thanks so much.

and one final thing: if you want to follow asher more closely, including "as it happens" quotes and antics and cuteness, but also "in the moment" prayer requests and thankfulness opportunities, please join his group on facebook, Blue Like Me.

wow, where do i even start?!

it's been quite a month around here...

um...

we met with our CCAC case manager who was, in a word, the best CCAC case manager i've ever met! so nice, so helpful. she actually listened to me, and she offered supports and services that no other case manager i've ever met has offered. simply incredible! total gift!

she set us up with a social worker. actually the social worker was here this afternon. she is so nice. she's going to look into things like respite care for asher, a YMCA membership for the kids and me, some funding, and she offered to come with us next Tuesday for our respirology appointment. how wonderful is that?!

in fact, over the last month, it's just been one blessing after another. it seems like every day God shows up and dumps goodness onto us. sure, asher's still sick. his energy level is decreasing, and he's occasionally short of breath for no reason or with very little exertion. so yes, that sucks. but let me tell you about a couple other things that have come about that i would never believe if it weren't my life!!

• i'm going on vacation. much needed, i might add. i'm going to florida for five days in february with some friends. and we're all leaving our kids at home. i'll admit, i was an emotional mess a week ago, but once i decided to do this, i haven't cried nearly as much, i've been able to cope with life's little challenges... just knowing that while all you suckers poor saps walking popsicles gentle readers who live north of the border or in other winter-prone locations are shovelling snow and shivering and complaining that you're out of marshmallows and how can you have hot chocolate without marshmallows this isn't cool for the love of everything holy and good this isn't cool!!!!!!!!!... i'll be in miami, sitting by the pool with a book and window shopping with the girls. i can't wait!!! i haven't been on vacation since before blithe came along, and before that it had been... wow... years. so yeah. i can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {happy dance}
• yesterday after church, i was chatting with a friend. i was telling her about our upcoming appointments and how nervous/scared i am... anyway, yesterday evening, her husband, one of the pastors at our church, saw that i had posted asking if anyone would care to join me on friday morning while asher's in having his CT. he, then, posted this on his profile:  There is a mom in our church community who needs someone to sit with her at the hospital while her son undergoes tests this Firday- if you are available please contact Heather Heywood I know that she would appreciate it very much. i kid you not, within five minutes, a friend offered to join me and she will be the coffee wench and we shall drink coffee and i shall not worry about asher being put under to undergo a test that could very well lead us to yet another horrible diagnosis. anyway, the whole point of this is... community. it's such a gift. and as i said on FB yesterday, the support that the kids and i have received has been overwhelming and humbling and beautiful and the picture of grace and Love. 

um, i can't really think of anything else going on in our world right now... blithe and i picked out her outfit for the first day of school, and let me tell you, this girl has some kinda style. also, we're trying to figure out where to go on a wish trip... so far, the choices are "wal-mart and mcdonalds," the island of sodor, take a train to toronto and take the subway to a hockey game, or disney world. so far, wal-mart and the hockey game are winning. HAHA

so that's the world according to asher... as told by me... for today, anyway. haha 

you are Loved.

after reading a particularly hilarious post on cake wrecks, asher has decided that he wants this song on his blog. enjoy!!



and seriously, go check out the cake wrecks post. after reading the first paragraph, before i'd even looked at a picture, i was laughing so hard my sides hurt and asher thought i was crying. it's just epic!!!!

it's the afternoon of our resp appointment...

and here i sit, pretty sure of how i actually feel about it all.

i want to cry.

i know we needed to go. something isn't right and it needs to be investigated and what not...

so here's the deal:

it's not asthma.

it's not nothing.

apparently, i "said the right things" and doc believes asher has some kind of chronic bronchitis. the CT will give us a better idea what we're dealing with. then she added, depending on what the CT shows, we may need a bronchioscope. this would involve a camera in his airway and maybe some samples of whatever they find in there.

and for those who are wondering... plastic bronchitis was mentioned and discussed. for now she's calling it possible chronic bronchitis, and we're taking it all one step at a time, but not taking our time. she's definitely on top of this.

pre-admit clinic (when we'll meet with the anaesthetist and give consent) is at the end of july, and the CT is friday, august 12. then we see doc again in clinic on the 16th (that's a tuesday) to discuss what the scan showed.

she also sent home some specimen jars. even though, up until now, asher has been swallowing anything he coughs up, she wants samples of anything he does get out. she's not holding her breath for this, though, since she said that it's not uncommon for kids his age to swallow whatever comes up. even a cast (the little bits produced by PB) would more likely be vomitted out from excessive coughing, rather than to actually be projected with a couple coughs.

i'm not going to lie, i'm scared. i don't really know what i was hoping for today. nothing good could have come from this appointment. (and yes, "it's not respiratory" would not have been good news. because if it's not resp... then what is it?!?!) but "fortunately" it is respiratory.

and i want to cry.

because even "run of the mill" plain ol' chronic bronchitis isn't good for a heart kid... the interactions between the heart and lungs... ugh... let's just say, what happens in one affects the other, and of course, never in a good way...

in the meantime, she put asher on flovent, a steroid inhaler. we're trying it for a month, to see if it will help.

please pray that it helps.

ok, i'm gonna go now... the littlest man remembered that i promised to buy him something if he went to sleep last night and behaved at his appointment this morning. boo!!! haha

ps - for those who want to know: 100.8 cm tall (which explains why he ate as much as he did the other week!), and 15.7 kg. (for the non-metric readers: that's 39.6 inches and 34.6 lbs.) his sats were 95% (the highest they've been in a while!), heart rate was 85 (slightly higher than pacer settings, so that's nice), and BP was 105/53. he was also very active, a nice warm pink colour, and only slightly puffy around his eyes. he didn't cough once. haha but she was happy that he looked so good, because now she knows his norm.

pps - i like our doc. she's very nice, pleasant but takes it all very seriously. easy to talk to, and she really listens, and she's not taking asher for granted. yup, i think this will be very, very good.

ppps - please hold us in the Light, especially me. the last few weeks have been really rough for me, and all of this now isn't helping. i just feel a little sad and overwhelmed and i don't want to lose my baby but for the life of me i can't shake this feeling that we've now started that slow decent toward the end... basically, i don't have a whole lot of hope right now. i'm weepy and tired and scared and lonely, and all of this compounded by the several other stressors i have right now, including much needed repairs on my truck and house, and the lack of funds for either. sorry, just needed to vent... thanks for "listening."